


Not A Monster, Just A Human (And I've Made A Few Mistakes)

by NyoomWritesThings



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Sleepy Cuddles, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27142156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyoomWritesThings/pseuds/NyoomWritesThings
Summary: Patton deals with harmful urges and slimy skin after repressing his anger and letting it build up for too long.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 9
Kudos: 128





	Not A Monster, Just A Human (And I've Made A Few Mistakes)

**Author's Note:**

> a warning to those reading that this fic contains self-harm, self-loathing, panic attacks, and the use of knives. please tread carefully and stay safe!!

Patton despised being angry at _ anything _ . Sure, it took him a  _ lot _ to get there, and he usually felt like in the moment that whatever or whoever he was getting angry at deserved it if it drove him that far. However, every time he allowed himself to get angry, he just felt…  _ gross _ after it had passed. Usually he would repress his anger and not allow it to control him, but there were quite a few instances in which he could not hold back any longer. He did this with his negative emotions a lot, not just anger, but anger was definitely the most frequent emotion that said scenario happened to involve. 

Unfortunately for him, the last time he had bottled up his emotions for too long and couldn’t hold himself back caused  _ far _ more harm than he intended. 

He still remembers the day so clearly, even though in the moment he remembered feeling as if he was on the verge of a blackout. He was pressured to the point where panic began to override all of his senses, and suddenly he was staring down at Roman, Thomas, and De-  _ Janus _ with his newfound  _ frog-like _ exterior. The entire scenario, while demonstrating to Patton exactly why he shouldn’t bottle up his negative emotions, only made Patton want to repress them even _more_ so he wouldn’t end up hurting anybody. So he wouldn’t turn into  _ that _ again. So he wouldn’t  _ hurt Thomas any more _ again. 

And yet, there he was, staring down at the green patches on his skin in  _ horror _ . 

He hadn’t even realized how much they had started to form and take over his body, right up until the worst possible moment. The entire day he had been letting his anger build, and at the  _ very _ peak of letting his anger - in that moment having lost what he was originally angry at and instead mainly towards himself - begin to control him, he had spotted the green out of the corner of his eye. He held a hand up to his mouth, suppressing his want to yell as loud as he could at the new development. The memories flashed through his mind over and over, even as Patton attempted to close his eyes as tight as he could to shut them out. 

His anger was quickly manifested into  _ self-hatred _ . The panic was rushing through his veins  _ fast _ . Without even thinking, he gave in as he felt the  _ sting _ of pain rush across his arms in long, thin lines. He watched as his hands rushed up and down his arms, watched as the scratches  _ covered _ the green-spotted skin, hoping it would go away if he scraped at it hard enough. Panic only rushed through his body faster as the green began to spread. 

He spent  _ several  _ minutes - he didn’t know how many - stuck in his panicked mindset, merely watching through his teary vision as his nails dug into his skin and  _ tugged _ , over and  _ over and  _ **_over_ ** , his skin  _ burning even brighter, _ until suddenly the pain grew numb and merely left him with the feeling of an  _ itch _ . Breathing heavy, he examined his arms, taking in the sight of the white lines that cut  _ almost _ as deep as he wanted to go scattered across his arms. Some were long, ragged lines while others spelled out different words of self-loathing, but they all mostly blended in with each other. Red patches mixed in with the green were scattered across the skin, even darker red dots within the lines of the scratches, but nothing cut deep enough. 

It  _ wasn’t enough _ . 

Patton didn’t know what he was thinking in the moment, or if he was thinking at all, as he rose up into the kitchen. He forced down a sob that  _ longed _ to be screamed out as he picked up one of the sharp steak knives and examined the disgustingly sharp blade. Usually he was  _ terrified _ of using the sharp knives, but he had no fear in that moment, the only thought crossing his mind was the words, “ _ you deserve it. _ ”

He lifted the knife to his arm. 

“ _ Patton _ .” 

He startled at the sudden voice, quickly turning to see who was there. He met the gaze of two familiar, mismatched eyes. 

“Put it down,” Janus pleaded, the fear being  _ clear _ in his voice, as much as he was trying to hide it. “ _ Please. _ ” 

Patton stared at him, still trembling from the panic attack he had been pushing through. He didn’t know why Janus had wanted him to stop, but something about his expression and tone of voice resonated with Patton, and he began feeling regret swell up in his chest. He glanced down at the knife again. 

“ _ Down _ ,” Janus begged. 

Patton did as he was instructed, slowly setting the knife back onto the counter behind him. 

“Come to me,” Janus asked as he held out a hand. He seemed to be treating Patton as if he was attempting to tame a wild animal, one that would attack him at any second if he made any wrong move. Patton recognized that fairly well, but failed to recognize that Janus didn’t actually see  _ him _ as the threat. 

Patton felt tears well up in his eyes again. 

“No no no, it’s okay,” Janus reassured him, tears seeming to form in his own eyes as well. “I’m not going to hurt you, love.”

“I’m going to hurt  _ you. _ ” Patton’s breath hitched. 

“No,” Janus whispered, “no you’re not, dear. Neither of us are going to hurt, not any more.” Janus gave him a gentle, empathetic smile. “You’re going to be okay. I’m right here.”

Suddenly, the panic subsided as Patton rushed into Janus’ arms and latched onto him as tight as he physically could. As Patton felt two more sets of arms wrap around him, he let out a  _ loud _ sob into Janus’ chest. Janus only held him closer, softly whispering reassurances into his ear, as he held him close while sinking out of the kitchen and appearing on the living room couch. Once he appeared on the couch, he very vaguely noticed the feeling that his skin was feeling  _ far _ less slimy than it had been before. 

As Patton continued to let loose while being held, Janus continued to hold him and attempt to rub his back to soothe him. He snapped one of his six hands’ fingers and suddenly Patton felt an undeniably comforting warmth wrapped around him, which he recognized to be one of Janus’ favorite blankets. Somewhere in the middle of Janus’ comforting, he had lifted Patton’s arms up from being wrapped around him and began leaving a trail of kisses along each scratch mark he could find. Patton had to admit it made him feel a  _ lot _ better. 

It was shorter than Patton thought it would be before the crying had come to a halt and Patton was resting, calm, in Janus’ arms on the couch. Janus sighed with relief as he brushed the hair out of Patton’s face. 

“Please try not to scare me that bad ever again,” Janus chuckled. 

Patton responded in kind with his own nervous laugh, before apologizing under his breath, but Janus shook his head. 

“Never apologize for a panic attack you couldn’t control, honeybunches,” Janus whispered to him. He cupped the other side’s gentle, soft-skinned face, gently pulling him close for a kiss on the cheek. Patton flushed at the contact. 

“How about I put on Winnie The Pooh and we rid your mind of the lies it has put you through about why you ‘deserve to hurt,’ hm?” Janus asked, a grin threatening to form at the edges of his mouth. Patton smiled bright, nodding his head. 

“I’d like that,” he sniffled as he shifted to allow Janus to temporarily move to put the DVD in the player. After doing so and allowing the opening trailers to begin playing, he made his way towards the bathroom. Patton watched as he walked out as quickly as he had gone inside, a first aid kit in his hands. As he sat back down, he motioned for Patton to sit his arms in his lap. Patton reluctantly followed Janus’ instruction, watching as he delicately pulled some bandages around the scrapes, relaxing into the tender movements. 

When Janus had finished and the movie had begun, Patton had moved into the position they had shared on the couch before, Patton laying on top of Janus as the snake wrapped multiple pairs of arms around him. Patton smiled brightly as he rested his head against Janus’ chest. He felt his eyelids had begun to close, he knew he had most likely felt tired from all of the energy he had expended earlier. He yawned, sinking ever further into Janus’ comforting touch. Janus smiled, hiding his blush, as he carefully ran his hand through Patton’s hair. 

“Rest, dearheart,” Janus whispered. “You deserve it.”

Patton smiled, thinking to himself that  _ yeah, maybe he did _ , as he drifted off. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope this small vent/comfort fic I wrote a bit back is enjoyable to some of you ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
